The Andy-Pandy Page
Welcome to Andy's page!
This page is dedicated to Andy and his face-ache inducing story telling
Barf's Bangers is Back on
So. At the begining of the year i was looking at doing a trip across europe in an old beat up car for the craic. I did loads of planning, loads of organising then a whole load of stuff emerged. Workload increased, stag dos to organise and mortgages to sort. So i put it on hiatus for a while until i had time to look into it again.
Well i went to the MPH show yesterday and visited the stand that inspired me to embark in such an adventure in the first place. Street Safari UK. Now talking to the guys there reinspired me to do something. Talking to them the said one of their routes is to Prague. This raised my eyebrow a bit seeing as one of our dear fellows is soon to become a temporary Praguian. What also raised my brow was the timing of their next event 28th August '09. Now that is rediculously close to a number of birthdays and i am thinking that there is a possiblity that Mr. Noble will be in the UK at the time. What better way to celebrate than an adventure of great magnitude.
Now you might be asking why mention it so soon..... it is 10 months away. Well there are limited amount of teams allowed to enter and they are filling up pretty damn fast. Also rules state that your motor has to be purchased for 150 notes or less but can be modified to make it better. If i get a yay from a couple of you then i will start searching for a suitable motor and have time to start doing it up (brakes and oil are probably the most important). Also i have had 0 holiday this year other than Al's Stag so i need something to look forward to.
So do we have any interest?
details here
http://www.czechwrecks.com/index.esp
...MTV
I am in a ranting mood and have been watching a lot of crap on TV recently. I have sky with a few hundred channels but it seems impossible to find a decent program that is original, entertaining, does not contain a celebrity for the sake of being on TV and is longer than the adverts that are in between it.
The worst example of these channels is MTV. It was only a few years ago when MTV stood for Music Television. It seems now it has decided to abandon music and create 'entertainment' Television. No music just crap like paying for some spoilt little brat to have a party just so they can video it. Is it just me or are all the programs in this series just exactly the same format, kiddy wants a party, moans, cries, rapes their parents for money, has the party, gets a car ten pays people to say it was great. Same with pimp my ride, 1 wrecked car, resprayed, tvs put in, lots of jumping around and looking like a tw@. I bet someone keys it within a week of them driving around in it. Also as touched on before the adverts seem to last longer than the program itself. Not only that is during the program there is a constant advert for a program in the corner and every couple of minutes something at the bottom of the screen pops up to say watch another program. It seems that the only reason for the program is to make you watch advertising. Crap! Last thing that annoys me more than anything in these programs is if someone on the program has a very slight accent they stick subtitles telling you what they said. Behave! I saw this geeza from the UK on it and they subtitled him. What a bunch of C@:ts.
Oh and one last thing when they do, do music they have an award show. This one is good. They have an award show called the european music awards and they get an american to host it, american acts to perform on it and american acts winning the awards. What is the point!
Rant over, got to get somethings off my chest every now and again. MTV...tv made by americans for americans.
Oh and so this has a purpose have a random horse
A short Story
I have to admit that not all this stuff is directly from me i may add a little bit of poetic justice. Most of the stories, especially the ASDA one and all of the rhymes are me. The jokes on the other hand are all copied and not andy originals as stated.
Now i am going to stop sending stuff for a while cos what happens is it gets a bit boring and tiresome. Hey i don't want to loose my edge and i am getting a bit big headed. So as a parting gift i will leave this one for you for the time being....
For those of you that have heard the aristocrats joke you will know this is a joke made up using a certain structure and always finishing with the same punch line. Other than the beginning and the end it is always improvised by the comedian often becoming more and more shocking each time it is said. This is why it is considered the rudest, crudest or bluest joke in the world. If you want a good example check out Sarah Silverman's version on you tube. Anyways there is another sort of joke, more amusing story than joke, which was once told to me a long time ago. I have sent this out many years ago but it has since been lost. This is the story of the Fukarwi Tribe.........
If you ever set foot in the amazon jungle look out for a a group of people of the Ancient Lost Fukarwi Tribe. This little blighters are very rare to see as they are truly lost. The tribe is headed by the Eyeno Chief and the sole purpose of the Fukarwi tribesmen is to provide food for the commune. Now the delicacy the Chief likes the most is the owra hare which is found in the tall mango grasses of the tropics. So these tribesmen hide out in the mango grasses all day calling out there tribal chant 'We're the Fukarwi' This drives out the hares from there hiding spot and the tribesmen run after the fleeing animals. Once the hare is cornered the tribesmen beat it to death with various sharp rocks. When they return to camp they have a presentation ceremony to the chief announcing there spoils. The chant goes as follows 'We're the Fukarwi' to Which the tribes women chant in return 'Owra Hare' The chief then says 'We're the Fukawi' to which the tribesmen chant 'Eyno Chief' So if you want to find this tribe just listen for the chants of 'We're the fukarwi' 'owra hare' 'We're the Fukarwi' 'Eyno Chief'
And that is the Lost Tribe of the Fukarwi's.
So Top 10 Bits of Fanny eh?
This is hard than i thought, In No Particular Order well apart from the last one that should definitely be at the bottom
So i got up the other morning and found that i had the old goggle box on and there was the bird on channel 4 which i thought fackin hell she is worth a toss over. After a bit of digging around i found out her name is Alexa Chung. So i came up with this shitty rhyme. Alexa Chung, you look fun, i want to stick it up your bum. Fuck it i just cum. No really....
Next comes the girl that you already have on your site Alicia Silverstone. My god that girl invented the word sexpot. My sister once complained that her video of Clueless was stretched at a particular scene, the bikini scene. I wonder what could have happened then.
Alba fuck yeah. Hit it like a barn door bashing in a gale. Sin City pole scene nuff said.
I always had a thing for Jade Jagger. She is a hottie plus she has her old man's big mouth. I can just imagine her sucking my balls and cock at the same time. Actually if her mouth is the same as Mick's that would be like he was sucking my dick and scrote. Oh no actually that has just ruined it for me. I have Alexandra Richards instead at least her Dad's completely fucking mental.
This again is a bit of a bad story. Watching some music channel and on comes that song sweet about me. The girl in that looks well clever and cool. So i start knocking one out unfortunately i didn't finish in time and ended up spirtin over Newton Faulkner's video. I am not gay by the way i still had the thought of her in my mind. Now this does turn a bit bad cos her name is Gabriella Cilmi and she looks in her early 20's but she is in fact she is 16. At least it was legal but still i felt a little bit dirty afterwards.
Spears back in the day was alright I would have definitely giving her a good seeing to especially in that video for her song 'Boyz'. However now she has shaved her head and gone a bit mental not really feeling it. Again a little ditty for her, Britney Spears is rich lady, She can afford a nanny, She does this by not buying drawers, so everyone can see her fanny. And when i say fanny i mean the english minge and not the american arse. Stupid fucking Americans even get genitalia references wrong
There was this stunningly good looking girl i knew from school that i recently got an email from. She said that we should meet up. I said it would be great to hook up but i must warn you i am a little bit older, a little bit balder and a little bit larger round the waist since i last saw you. She teased me a bit and said that it was expected after all these years and she has put on a few pounds herself. So i told the fat bitch to fuck off.
I am not doing too well now. The reason being is that i think you are after my top ten birds just so you can add them to your own wank bank. Ahh sod it here is a genuine one. Being German is never good. Most of them have no sense of humour, have hairy pits and look evil. On the rare occasion you get a german bird that is a bit fit but still when she lifts up her arm you can see orangutans swinging. There is one exception and she is fucking fit too. Hedi Klum. I forgive her for going out with the multi-millionaire and certified ugly bastard Flavio Briatore cos i would crawl over broken glass and Jamie's socks just to clean up her shit.
Kiera Knightly, bit too anorexic for most people but at least she is tight. I but she smoke when you give her a rigorous rogering.
And we come to the last one Tracy Emmin. Now this bird has face that looks like someone has pour lighter fluid over it, set it alight, put it out with a bring imbedded with glass than shat in the wounds but she has a cracking set of tits. Man it is like parking a Ferrari outside a council flat. Please Miss emmin donate you cracking tits to some one less butt ugly.
Andy Bath
'I tried to join a support group for people with Tourette's Syndrome, but they told me to f**k off...'
The Asda Story
Supermarkets I hate them. It started off with some really annoying kid going on and on about this high school musical DVD to his mum. He went on and on and on about it but his mum, give her, her dues, was unfazed by the devil spawns mutterings and pleadings and blankly said no. So i decided to have a bit of fun. I waited for the woman and child to go to the next aisle i picked up the desired item of DVD and proceeded to stalk the woman's trolley like sam fisher. As soon as her attention was on another item and kid was off somewhere else i deposited the DVD in her trolley expecting her to find it at the tills and go ape shite at kiddy winkle whilst i was observing. But i did not have to wait that long it only took 4 items of shopping to be deposited to the trolley before she spotted offending item. She went ape shite as predicted and told sniffling munchkin to go and return it to the shelf. So i waited a couple more aisles went back to the DVD shelf and got another copy. I did the same thing and the same thing happened with the woman berating the kid and the kid getting upset. I managed this 2 more times and started getting a bit bored. So i came up with a final insult to injury i got 4 copies of the DVD and proceeded to place them in the trolley. I say proceeded because i was stopped in my tracks by a man. He asked me to follow him to the back of the store. He then told me they have been watching me on the CCTV for a fair while and although thought it was hilarious at first it has gone a bit to far. Embarrassed i left the store pretty quick smart but i have to go back tonight to pick up supplies. So it did not work and i have to relive my mental torture again.
Andy Bath
A note from the man himself
So looking at the pics on luke's site i have only just remembered that Jamie's bro was there at some point. This means that i was a little more drunk than i thought. It's great i get so wasted that i don't remember the drunk bits.
Don't know if i particularly like this Andy page on organarix but here is something to add if you so wish
I have a new outlet
My very own web site page
It has some random stuff on it
That reminds me i should act my age
I don't mean to be crazy
I only want people to smile
Frowning is not worth it
Doesn't hurt to laugh once in a while
The feelings of loneliness
Often make you sad
People don't understand you
They call you f**kin mad
I rely on my mates
Without knowing they give me support
They help me enjoy myself
And get away from the dark thought
So thanks to you all
You really are the best
It is good sometimes
To get these things off your chest.
Wooooah bit deep that one maybe best not to stick it on the site i get an upbeat one soon.
Happy Tuesday........
Andy Bath
A few Andy originals
I haven't had the chance to send a proper mail for ages so here goes nothing
A few jokes, if you can call them that
What's long and hard and makes women groan?
An Ironing Board.
Why are chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
What's got wings and sucks blood?
Always Ultra.
Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Michael Jackson.
Jacko has denied the allegations as he claims he was in Brooklyn at the time.
what's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
a pick pocket snatches watches
Andy Bath
Andy introducing our band
Ladies and Gentlemen it is about time to introduce you to Surprising Sh*t.
First we have the man with the low tones..............the original Nutcase..........Cue The Bass
Boom, Boom dobie doooooooo
Now we have a stunning young lady with the long dark hair........Boo Boo the Snare
Boom, Boom, Boom, Tish, Bong, Snap
The next man needs no introductions he lets his lightning fingers do the the talking and is never rash..........Itttttttttttsssssssssss Flash
Didle sriiiimmmm, woah woah, tink tink, browwwwwwwww.
YeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhWoooooooooooo
*Applause *Cheer *Women showing breasts.
Andy Bath
The Cheese Story
I got in to work this morning to discover a couple of circular cheeses on my desk. They were about the size of Babybels, but were in green and yellow packaging. I ate both of them double quick. About an hour later the purchasing manager asked me where the cheeses were.
ME: I ate them.
HIM: What!? They were samples.
ME: Nobody told me that. So I ate them. I'll just buy some more.
HIM: Oh Jesus! They were the only two samples in the country! The Sales Manager was just in here. They brought the samples from a conference in Holland.
ME: Well, if you leave food on my desk, I'm going to eat it.
HIM: What you're going to do is call the man and tell him you've eaten the only samples in the country.
So i phone em up
ME: Yes, hello. I've just eaten your cheese samples... well, nobody told me... Well, they were very tasty... no, I'm not laughing. Honestly. Yes I do realise that this is a serious matter. I've eaten the only samples in the country... Wait a minute... I can't....stop... myself... hahahahaha... hahahahahahahahaha... hahahahahahaha...hahahahahahahaha... hahahahahahahah
Purchasing manager grabs phone
HIM: (to sales manger) Yes, I'll see that he's disciplined. It's certainly not a laughing matter. And we'll try to reconstruct the packaging from the bin.
ME: Hahahahahahahahahahahahhahah
Andy Bath
The Female definitions list 2008
I was talking to those here about when me luke, paul and rob went to magaluf and decided that we would categories girls in the following way.
Cake - Fat
Kebab - Pikey
Lettuce - Fit
HeHe thinking of it paul managed to get with a kebab cake.
Anyway's i digress
so i decided that i should come up with some more subtle categories and update things a bit
Damage - bit of alright
Major damage - bloody fit
Damage has been done - older fit bird
minor damage - fit but you would be arrested for it
fire damage - she'd leave you with a burning sensation
smoke damage - smells like the gents of a pub
water damage - would wet the bed
collateral damage - ugly bird with fit mates
Andy Bath
Big Spider
Should have seen the size of the spider that greeted me this morning. I must admit i screamed like an 8 year old girl. I swear it had fangs too.
Andy Bath
